Scattered Pieces

2011-11-20T05:03:00.014+05:30

For a week now, nostalgia is hitting me, hitting me real hard.

At night, I close my eyes and try to sleep after a long tiring workout in gym but all i could feel is to be there, where the hurt is.

Sitting on the floor, on the same floor with square, old, ruff surfaced tiles, near an old woman, with her hand softly stroking my hairs. getting pampered like a 2 year old kid, with a sweet smell of her wrinkled, almost dead skin. Nothings there in this whole universe like sitting near her and feel the warmth of her loving touch. And I mean it, theres absolutely nothing like that.

From the kitchen, that same old familiar voice of an aging lady, asking me to bring bread and eggs for dinner. With me neglecting her each word. Never imagined, id miss the fragrance of the incense, she used for the evening prayers. Never thought id miss seeing her coming home at evening with two big plastic bags full of household things, a flower in her long beautiful hairs and a drop of a sweat on her forehead.

Deposited dust on the surface of the table, spider webs in the corner of the windows high up on the wall, hanging power cable behind the TV, two sheets of thermocol beneath the fish tank, piles of cluttered newspapers under the table, calendar clipped at the bottom to keep it from fluttering because of the eddied air blown by the brown ceiling fan, broken black speed regulator of that fan. Its all a part of me that I had to leave behind, but somehow, it still lives deep inside of me. deep down somewhere.

And I keep on trying real fucking hard not to think and feel and be there. But all that im left with is a tear drop to wipe. and I smile :-)

2011-10-28T21:34:00.005+05:30

"You can be with somebody you like to be with
And just touch their cheek or hold their hand
And it's the most beautiful thing in the world
You don't need sex under LSD, because,
Because you're so satisfied with just holding hands,
That going for more than that isn't beautiful anymore."

Porcupine Tree.(Not Beautiful Anymore from the album Up the Downstairs)

was just exploring the band's music. added all the songs of the album in the playlist, turned on the auto shutdown software and went to bed. Kept looking at the ceiling, thinking bout things and people. This lady from the song started to whisper. Couldn't stop smiling when she said "and just touch their cheeks and hold their hand". sweet!

2011-10-17T02:43:00.004+05:30

Sunday 9th oct, Afternoon 1.24PM.

"Donno where im sitting. Some 4-5 kms away from my dorm room. Was feeling a little down n blue. so thought, lets fuck it up and go somewhere with bike, someplace ivent been to. cos you see ive experienced the chaos, when an empty mind meets a malfunctioning brain. and believe me its way too healthier and better to get engaged in some kinda stupid shit than to sit alone, think, smoke, fall into the deep dark abyss and get dumbfucked by the irony of reality and of our lives.

still the feeling of hollowness hasnt gone. anyway, so here i am, sitting on this wooden bench in a middle of nowhere. a jungle behind me with tall trees and no sound. but can somehow hear the sound of tyres scratching the road, running over 200kmph on one of the autobahns nearby. i wish i was in one of those cars going away, just for a while. its quite cold in here with this fast blowing wind but the beautiful thing is i can feel the october sunshine warming my numb fingertips. this is the first time, im loving the afternoon sun, really. but the wind is not as cold as my heart. i know im missing something. some friends. one fucker working on a computer some thousands of miles south-east and the other, must be chatting with his newly found love, some thousands of miles south-west from where im sitting.

i donno y, even though i know the pain, the ache and all the consequent fuck-ups, i keep on wanting it. i wish i could get rid of those fucking chemicals and hormones manipulating my straight and sober thoughts. i know the shitty feeling, i don wanna feel that again. "

well, this is where i went with my bycycle. sat there for an hour in warmth of the afternoon sun. felt really relieved. found this thing written on one of those last pages of my book. but shit, cant decipher now what exactly i was feeling, thinking and writing. hahha, im surprised how things change and how we forget what we felt immensely bad and just move on with life. such a bitch.

Random looser's story 2

2011-10-08T02:01:00.012+05:30

Been a month I'm here, dreamed a lot of crazy shit from an Iraqi voodoo witchcraft to the drowning sun. But then there was a dream, which felt like real. It was full of the emotions between a man and a woman. Maybe that is why I get high every single time I think about it.

"It was 2 o'clock in the midnight. We were standing in the balcony of her flat, some miles away from I don't know where. But I remember I could see a silhouette image of a castle over a top of the mountain far away towards the dark horizon. Moon was shining low and it was cold outside. The air was damped and so quiet that I could feel the heaviness of her breath. And what she was wearing was a loose maroon T shirt and a khaki shorts. Her hairs were let open and the blue hairband was resting around her left wrist. A sweet breeze passed away and a golden leaf crafted by autumn fell from a chestnut tree. It took a flight and followed a collapsed pendulum journey, as if it was confused which way to go, the way I always am. And finally settled down on a pebble, isolated. Her hairs were chasing the wind. I felt them for a second, swiftly caressing my neck. We were two and we were as quiet as each one of us sitting alone on a shoreline, pondering.
I hardly knew her, where did she come from, how she cries, how her laughter blossoms and how her smile fades away.

Then she looked me straight in the eyes. They were deep and were searching something inside of me. I was struck. It was a strange look filled with strange emotions. Something between the newly found love and the love she was deprived of. It felt like the coldest calm before the storm. I could sense the hurt she was carrying. We were still silent but had spoken our lives out with our eyes, one of the best conversations I had.

She led the way inside. Fragrance of the perfume she was wearing, was mesmerizing. Some music was playing.

"I won't shiver in the cold
I won't let the shadows take their toll
I won't cover my head in the dark
And I won't forget you when we part"

She turned off the lights, came closer, held my hand and put it on her waist. Fifteen past two, a girl with eyes as deep as the pacific, skin as soft as the wet sand and hairs as smooth as silk. And there I was, holding her close by, with her head on my chest."

I woke up with blurred eyes, vibrating thoughts and a spellbound heart. I had lost her, I had lost the most enchanting moments to come. Been a week now, I still wish we meet again; in dreams. I tried listening to those songs before sleeping, hoping to see myself in her arms, feeling the warmth of her body and soul. But as they say, every good thing has to end. Rather sometimes, we have to put an end to "some of those beautiful things" to keep ourselves away from insanity. Ive stopped thinking about the dream. Ive stopped thinking about her.

2011-10-04T23:34:00.005+05:30

If only we had a chance to replace our one action in the past. If only we had a chance to change that little period of time and make a different decision. If only we can restore that broken piece of glass. The schrödinger's cat might had not died. It would have been totally different. But I'm so fucking far away from that point. And I have no chance to go back and change and make amends. It is the fact with which we have to live with, forever. What Ive turned into, is not the decisions I've taken in the receded time but its all about the decisions which I shouldn't have taken and the words, i should have avoided. but well this is life and if you plan to go to point B from point A, life always takes you somewhere else.. So far from B, alone, sometimes lonely, regretting.
but you see, sometimes i feel, whatever i chose, it was for good. No fucking regrets.
Peace.

2011-07-21T14:05:00.004+05:30

Always the peace is slipping away, period.

Ive tried hard to run away but the hurt, it refrains to find a place in oblivion and the period remains missed and I run, never been able to find the period but I still run

2011-05-14T13:20:00.000+05:30

"On the way to his school, he used to come across a mother n son duo. Dribbling saliva n ridiculous hexagonal shaped head of that child always intrigued him at the same time repelled him physically. He was a bright n sensitive kid who grew up wondering about the nature's discrimination.

He turned 18 n the other kid too, but he salivated only when a coveting girl passed by, n the other kid, who could never understand how a coveting girl, in fact how a girl pleases senses, always did.

The muted dreams n lost hopes of the mother, even though concealed behind a kind loving smile, could never fool his insightful eyes, which later at night, shed tears for that woman. He often argued with friends about the doomed future of that adult kid and the parents but secretly longed for their happiness, which he knew, was never attainable.

And like wind, time elapsed in experiencing love, homesickness, heartache and his own introvert life.

Until recently, he was coming back to life, sloughing off his negativity, he walked that street again, just to experience an undesired sight. A corpse wrapped in a white cloth with a ridiculously hexagonal head.

He came home, took a bath, looked in a mirror which reflected a face full of grief. Felt a mother's wails inside his heart, suffered cries of an already murdered life of her son, felt guilty of being normal. "

Been a long time since i havent felt down n blue, so kinda made up a story for myself to sensitize my gloom. I donno who is the protagonist, so I wrote HE, someone who lives inside.

nevermind the stops, commas n upside-down turned verbal sentences in the prose, was jus experimenting a different way to write.

2010-12-11T23:46:00.005+05:30

ill cal u when the water recedes.
ill cal u when the fire stops.
ill cal u when u smile, with all your heart.

Nur ein Lächeln dort, wo sonst keiner lacht.

Ode to "Diwali"

2010-11-05T16:42:00.005+05:30

"That best portion of a good man's life,
His little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love."

- William Wordsworth.

2010-10-05T20:27:00.006+05:30

a friend posted this brilliant link on facebook.
http://www.jamesnachtwey.com/

n this photo also, he uploaded some days ago.

a very clever n diplomatic reply to a biased negative comment of mine.

sometimes I wonder, what on earth have twisted my way of being optimist.
do I sound like a clinically depressed self-obsessed freak?
I hate my brain.

2010-09-24T18:05:00.004+05:30

Blessed is not the one who have got his ego unconquered,
Blessed is the ONE who have gotten rid of it.

I wish I was the ONE,
But Im too much of a fuckin human.

Shantaram - Man of Peace

2010-08-28T21:15:00.000+05:30

"

"It is very beautiful, isn't it?" Johnny Cigar asked, sitting beside me and staring out at the dark, impatient restlessness of the waves.
"Yeah" I answered, passing him a cigarette.
"Our life, it probably began inside of the ocean," Johnny said quietly.
"About four thousand million years before now. Probably near hot places, like volcanoes, under the sea."
I turned to look at him.
"And for almost all of that long time, all the living things were water things, living inside the sea. Then, a few hundred million years ago, maybe a little more -- just a little while, really, in the big history of the Earth -- the living things began to be living on the land, as well."
I was frowning and smiling at the same time, surprised and bewildered. I held my breath, afraid that any sound might interrupt his musing.
"But in a way you can say that after leaving the sea, after all those millions of years of living inside of the sea, we took the ocean with us. When a woman makes a baby, she gives it water, inside her body, to grow in. That water inside her body is almost exactly the same as the water of the sea. It is salty, by just the same amount. She makes a little ocean, in her body. And not only this. Our blood and our sweating, they are both salty, almost exactly like the water from the sea is salty. We carry oceans inside of us, in our blood and our sweat. And we are crying the oceans, in our tears."

"

and I closed the book and cried out the ocean inside of me, literally. I was alone, it was a cold night and there was no reason, yet I let them fall on the pages.. sometimes when I open this particular page, and touch those tiny dry wavelet circles engraved by sunk salty water, I feel ocean. the ocean inside me.

A must read for the ones, the lucky ones, who can laugh, cry, smile, feel and understand.

Fuck, Im gonna go to Leopold's and drink my hell out!!!!!

SETTLE unSETTLE

2010-08-19T01:16:00.000+05:30

"Sixty years ago, on such a shiny day, a little boy, holding hand of his father, walked this street.
and as the years passed by, father was replaced by friends and eventually by a woman.
but through the twists n turns of this straight road, everyone seemed to vanish, one by one.
rain poured, floods rushed in, sun burst, still, the windows remain silent and kept the secrets, til it hurt.
and for the days to come, the tired old man, will walk the same old street, with mind full of unsettling thoughts about lost world, lost hope and death."

Photo Credit goes to an engineer-turned-photographer, journalist cousin of mine, Nimish Sawant.
its kind of a privilege to have a chance to write somethin bout such an artistically captured n delicately crafted photo.

heres the link to his blog : http://shutterbugged.blogspot.com/

2010-08-04T20:44:00.001+05:30

Abr mi barad-o man shovm-e az yar-e judaa
Choon kunam dil becheneen roz zedildar judaa.
Abr baraan wa man-o yar satadah ba-widaa’
Man judaa girya kunaan, abr judaa, yaar judaa

The cloud weeps, and I become separated from my friend -
How can I separate my heart from my heart’s friend on such a day.
The cloud weeping – and I and the friend standing, bidding farewell -
I weeping separately, the clouds separately, the friend separately.

a beautiful poetry by Amir Khusrau.

didnt know how it feels until that day
I guess I'll miss my friend.

2010-07-14T10:19:00.000+05:30

Ive come to this conclusion about greatest of the artistic expressions. there is a strange relation between some kind of crisis, be it personal or social or anything and the most touching piece of art.

im talkin bout those little horrifiying moments captured in a photo, the wails and turns in a
song, hues and shades in a portrait, pages of a book which blurs the eyes, the things which gives you the hardest throat choke.

subconsciously we connect to those colors, words and struggling music notes.
its the inner conflict, about our fears, insecurities, ignorance, helplessness, baggage of hurt ego scrambled with self destructive frustrations.
over the years, the conflict makes us able to understand those beautiful artistic expressions. just like you have to train your ears for some genre of music like classical or jazz, your emotions and psychological being must be mature enough to resolve and enjoy the hidden expressions.

and thats the reason why i love the ache and sadness more than happiness, even if it kills slowly.

take a shot
a fake smile or a genuine tear.

if it was possible i would have traded my libido for another pair of ears
and a multitasking brain from mother nature.
i kno the two ecstasies are incomparable, physical and psychological.
but at least i will be totally self dependent, if nature is ready for the tread-off.

2010-06-08T15:54:00.000+05:30

my last engg exam up tmr.. was cherishing the memories of the past that has receded like a drifting cloud. drilling through the 4 years, i met some of the most wonderful n crazy creatures who held the common grounds with me.
some of their statements, u c, got tattooed on my heart. it is astonishing, how deeply romantic n mysterious friendships i had.
this very moment, its a bittersweet feeling of parting ways, u kno. all those laughs, looks, joy,
arms, seashores, raindrops, trains, benches, tea n cigarettes, thoughts..... we shared.
fuck i cant really think of anythin now, its like an avalanche of thoughts running down my heart.
tomorrow, last engineering paper, at 2 pm, im gonna get outside the exam hall, jus gonna take a look at them n pass a smile.
a smile that holds thousands of unresolved tears n unspoken words.

so long.

2010-06-02T04:45:00.000+05:30

recently, i got my hands on this book by Dr. Prakash Amte, about his life n the way he n his family worked in one of the most remote areas of Maharashtra, near Gadchiroli. was really moved by his love to educate those literal homosapiens who didnt know that clothes do exist.. hah.

n whats our take on it?

no, we cant do that. we are too weak to control our obsession with the earthly world.
we want a black Mercedes, a high paying job, a grand house, frequent trips, imported vodkas, jockey boxers blah blah blah.. fuck.. its pretty contradictory to write this thing just after the last post of mine..
werent they selfless?
im as confused as the baby cuckoo in the crow's nest.

long past in 4th sem, while i was sittin in some lecture, gazing outside, i remember, i was thinkin bout a documentary, which told stories of little children amid the chaos of war n conflicts.
it was disturbing n it did pluck my string very harshly.
this is what my pen delivered..

" When eyes go blur with salty water, everything just fades away
there used to be a smile on the face of an orphaned kid
father, died in bombings, mother was taken away by soldiers
and now,
under this big blue sky, alone at the edge of a dried river,
he is smiling.
he never shed a tear for his parents, u kno, he died inside.
there is nothing left to burn, but he still smiles.
but we, we can not know how it feels,
the echoes of screams n cries colliding inside head.
dried in river bank.
just like his smile.

and we are here, sitting in this shithole class, dreaming of a bright future."

2010-05-28T00:03:00.000+05:30

while comin back from a medical store jus 2 hours before, some strange voice diverted my attention.
a 30 somethin lady was holding a tree near a footpath n vomiting. maybe she was pregnant n might have came to doctor. i did notice her but passed her by as if nothin has happened, jus the way everyone was. i passed another street, but she lingered on my mind, the inactiveness of others n myself was pissing me off. i stopped, maybe an immediate uncontrollable signal from my brain ordered my muscles to freeze. i turned, hesitatingly walked to her n asked her for water. she was not even capable of sayin yes. she nodded. i bought a bottle from the same medical store, opened n gave her. she stood up weakly n washed her face n drunk that icy water. She wanted to thank me with her heart but she was too exhausted to say. she jus smiled. u kno, the truest smile u could ever get from someone. i replied with the same n came home.

it was not about helping others. not about making them smile. it was not about altruism or any other romantic notion of selfless act.

it was all about a selfish human being caring about his inner peace.

can i sleep with the disturbing thoughts of an alone woman vomiting at late hours?
with me leaving her helpless.

believe me, these small moments, they own you for eternity. i can still feel the intensity of her eyes when she looked up.

Melodic Passion

2010-05-24T21:09:00.001+05:30

Man, youve given me so much to believe, for my own insanity. Ive been to those places in my head.

2010-03-22T11:56:00.000+05:30

To,
My sweetest friend Brain,

Its been 21 years, Ive been with you. Sorry to say, but i cant take this badge anymore, i gotta leave now.
you and your crazy thoughts, you have always discarded my dreams as if it was a garbage.
you always stopped me from being simple and forced me to pretend like a complex mystery to impress and attract unknown faces who are insignificant to me.
the times i wanted to cry, u stopped me because everybody was there, it would have embarrassed you. the times i was happy, you were never contented. you have always been chasing something to fulfill your never-ending greed for respect and recognition from social circle. im sick of all this blaming and complaining.

I understand, we must be cunning, smart, intelligent enough to win the race, no one really cares who is the loser, no matter how good and noble he is. it is the winner, who gets glorified.
now that im leaving, i wont be there to pull u down, you will be strong enough to be a winner, ull never break, ull never loose your confidence, ull never fear anything, ull never cry and most of all, you will never feel lonely.
it was me, who caused those smallest tremors to turn into the biggest earthquakes.
the more i ponder, u c, the monster inside, it grows huge.
im confused, puzzled and estranged with this world.

Look what have u become? playing ego games, overpowering others, trying to pretend wise, plastic smiles and all that shit. i dont want to be a part of this whole system, where u say all this shit is necessary for us to survive. fuck it.
when you are done with your chasings, break that circle, liberate your soul, look out for me. it might take you decades, you might be leading a dead old man with white beard and handful of trophies. ull find me free and isolated, gazing at the stars at night, under the moon on a distant island, where the ocean wont make any sound.

Ive got scars, one for every tear ive wasted.
Im not meant to be here, kind of a social misfit i am. its a mad world, you are taking me to. leave my hand, I dont belong here. I fear the competition. I fear the people around.
I fear myself.
nevermind me n my pissed off depressing ways.

Goodbye.

Only Yours,
Bloodstained Heart.

P.S. : wouldn't you miss me?

If I can

2010-02-25T22:50:00.000+05:30

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

We had this poem in 10th, it was amongst the most boring text because i never understood it.
but now its like something, i deeply believe in.

2010-02-24T00:56:00.000+05:30

a friend of mine said to me once
"Life is a big fucking chutiyagiri"
the more im trying to prove it wrong, the more im getting it clear that somehow he was right.

2010-02-09T01:02:00.000+05:30

everyone arguments, everyone blames, everyone wants to prove that they are right,
everyone wants to prove that the person in front is wrong.
along the way they forget basics, n why they started talking.
they all want attention, respect. i kno, we all want it, but plz dont get addicted.
noble view gets leaked out of mind as if theres a black hole outside, they all want to win the argument.
they dont know what is the solution. its total war of words, theres no respect or peace.
they read newspapers to gather information so that they can throw it on their opponents face.
they stay updated to win the arguments. everyone wants to win. who will solve?
they never step back, even when they get to know that they r on the wrong side!!!
their ego barks like a testosterone driven dog.
why not help each other, develop mature, understanding and noble relationships,
find answers n solutions, together?

n where do i stand in them? gotta get rid of some shit that has accumulated over the years of harmful social brain programming.

once upon a time, a baby goose denied to go with its flock. he died of cold n hunger that winter, alone.
this time, theres another baby goose, being stubborn to fly away with them. I wish he lives forever.

Shades of Gray

2010-02-03T18:04:00.000+05:30

Stop, Look Back

Think, Choose

Walk.

Sometimes it rains, sometimes it pours but most of the times, it doesnt.
just so simple. I used to like movies with happy endings. but now, somehow I love stories with sad endings.
melancholy is like some silent ocean water. it makes no sound but its so deeply bluesy.

2010-01-22T14:26:00.000+05:30

Today, after a long time, I saw a butterfly. those orange, white n black wings,i used to run after,12-13 years ago.
but this time, this time I didnt.
it left me with a sense of freedom and a serene smile.

theres a song called "Little wing" by Jimi Hendrix.
n im so in love with it.

2010-01-05T17:37:00.000+05:30

a haunting chaos. its gonna be with me for a long long time, like the shawshank has been.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091251/

2009-12-30T08:35:00.000+05:30

as calm n cold as beautiful autumn
listen to this record with your eyes closed
its like feeling the warmth of the sun rays, early in the misty mornings.

http://www.jamendo.com/en/artist/Ken_Verheecke
download

2009-12-25T01:25:00.002+05:30

last night, was walkin down the road with a cousin of mine.. kind of a childhood friend.
we ended up finding an ugly n poor old drunkard, sleepin on the road in front of a desi bar.
my cousin said "half of them dont want to go home n half of them dont hav one to go!! "
such an artistic n poetic expression it was. n we left the scene.
lately, i was trying to visualise that old man's life. he must have came from some far off village.
debts, wife, children n makin home with a salary, which wont even buy a branded jeans for us.
30 years of life, spent travellin in packed trains of suburbs, in search of a better life.
long ago, he mistakely travelled in first class compartment. the looks from the white collared men must have raped his pride.
for a day, he must have tried to look through the glass of a jewellery shop.
he must have read a news bout a suicide of his farmer friend in village.
50 Rs in wallet, wasted life, nothing to live for, nothing to die for. what can we expect?
all n all its no one's fault.
oh yes, there was a dog, who accompanied him.

Exam Syndromes (Plz dont read its crap)

2009-12-16T04:12:00.002+05:30

7th sem exams goin on, n im saturated. every semester for a month, my brain is infected with some kinda crappy virus.

pre-paper night fantasies : the night before with a book in my hand, i was thinking bout the illusion I had about ocean n sky.
when i was a kid, i used to ask which of these is infinite, ocean or sky? as i grew up, n learned in geography, that sea is not infinite!!!! I was happy.
i started to formulate a proof in "technical" words "why sky [my old school version of sky, where sky is what we see when we look above in an open ground, which is like a ceiling where earth is hanging and sun is revolving].
so i found a scientific method to prove i was wrong.
lets imagine we dig the floor, i literally imagined all the superhumans like batman, superman, spiderman helping me to dig the earth, so that we can reach that side... eg. if i start to dig the floor here in mumbai, i would end up peeping up somewhere in atlantic ocean between africa and south america. right?
lets assume, there is no water in atlantic. so we've successfully drilled the mother earth through its center. u stand near the hole n look down.
eureka!!!!!!!!!!!!
we can see the sky underneath our feet.. the only problem here is, if its night here, ull probably c light through that hole, n if its daytime, ull c the dark version of sky.
hence we deciphered the illusion that sky is not like a ceiling, it is there far beneath the ground infact its nothing. its void. empty.
hence we can say its not infinity.
i was not on acid or something. really!!! its called engineering.
then i was bitten by an unfortunate mosquito. i murdered!!! im still confused bout Jainism!!!
well

post paper fantasy :
after confirming probability of my failing is near zero in that fucked up question paper, i walked out of the exam room before an hour. went to eat a sandwitch.
i jus took a seat without looking around. somehow i got to know, a girl was sittin next to me.
i could know it coz of her sandals. u c, she got pissed n annoyed that she didnt get attention.
so she tried to get noticed by tapping her sandals, observing her nailpaint, adjusting her hair, n u kno all those crappy but attractive things girls do to say "admit my beauty, u idiot"
n there i was, trying to relax my fractured brain with some peace.
there was maybe 15-20 cm distance between us.. since i was in technical trauma, i started calculating, how much time it will take to cover that space in between. so i anticipated methods, techniques, formulae n all to calculate the time.
if shes like a rasputin version of female, it wouldnt take me 2 days , but if shes like an "Indian" girl, itll take me eternity. (given that i dont marry her).
but i failed.

n so, i concluded,
there are things, some too little to think about, some pretty big. which are not linear, nor time n space dependent, doesn't follow newton's rules (i should write "anybody" instead of newton, but the name "newton" gives me a feeling ), can not be proved, can not be locked in science, n are out of control of rational human understanding.

like music, tears, home, friends. like you n like me. unique but as ordinary as "the void sky".

News : Somali woman stoned for adultery

2009-11-19T03:20:00.000+05:30

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8366197.stm

r u laughing again?c, im laughing here!!
somehow, I have lost sensitivity, i guess. im lucky, next time i wont feel like crying after seeing such things.

u are a girl. sorry, u are a girl turned into a fertile female, walkin on the edge of exploding libido of urs. its perfectly normal. u r in a relationship with a straight male. u do all the things, the things that have been done by all kind of species... even those huge T-Rex dinosaurs used to do it. n now uve done it. somehow ur society knows about ur adventures.
booooooom.
ur wrapped in white cloth n buried half underneath the ground. looking at big rocks n stones coming your way from the hands of the people( probably from the hand of the ones who are socially acceptable fuckers, here "fuckers" literally means fuckers!!! im not abusing them.) seeing your skin getting crushed with blood. they make u feel ashamed of ur "sin". u c. u r dead, maybe with another "to be baby" in your stomach.

download and watch this video:
http://www.iran-e-azad.org/stoning/video.html

reminds me of that scene in khaled hosseini's "The Kite Runner".

reading constantly about such hyperhuman phenomenon and accepting the way it is, u can just say that u are fortunate, to have born in a relatively safe and free country. so before getting naughty with your partner next time, say "Mera Bharat Mahan" before sayin "I Love You".
shi, im gone crazy!!

2009-11-05T13:52:00.001+05:30

Take a look. Do u feel anything?
I dont feel anything at all. im gone numb.

Dr. Mengele's "Project" at auschwitz

Vera Alexander was a Jewish inmate at Auschwitz who looked after 50 sets of Romani twins:
“I remember one set of twins in particular: Guido and Ina, aged about four. One day, Mengele
took them away. When they returned, they were in a terrible state: they had been sewn together, back to back, like Siamese twins. Their wounds were infected and oozing pus. They screamed day and night. Then their parents – I remember the mother's name was Stella – managed to get some morphine and they killed the children in order to end their suffering.

Unit 731 of Japanese army

Vivisections were performed on prisoners after infecting them with various diseases. Scientists performed invasive surgery on prisoners, removing organs to study the effects of disease on the human body. These were conducted while the patients were alive because it was feared that the decomposition process would affect the results. infected and vivisected prisoners included men, women, children, and infants.

Vivisections were also performed on pregnant women, sometimes impregnated by doctors, and the fetus removed.

Prisoners had limbs amputated in order to study blood loss.

Those limbs that were removed were sometimes re-attached to the opposite sides of the body.

Some prisoners' limbs were frozen and amputated, while others had limbs frozen then thawed to study the effects of the resultant untreated gangrene and rotting.

Some prisoners had their stomachs surgically removed and the esophagus reattached to the intestines

Parts of the brain, lungs, liver, etc. were removed from some prisoners.

Read it all.. ive copied em from wikipedia.. maybe its just a trailor of what might have happened in the past.

if there is God, he is probably thinking of suicide.. hhahhh, what kind of creature he has created.. theres a gun in his hand(man-made!!), pointin towards his own neck, im damn sure bout this.
anyways, I dont believe in god.

women were raped, chidrens were crushed, men were killed.
women are being raped, childhood is getting crushed and men, they are still getting killed.
is this the way it is.. are we supposed to accept it and try to make our own lives beautiful ????
by the way, what is in our hand ?
jus c things happen around us, shut ur senses, try to forget n be a so called good social animal, wish happy birthdays, drink beers, watch movies, try to fall in love, think bout our future, find a way to make money, indulge in our own selves.

think about a Palestinian boy in a ghetto, barefoot, in cold, trying to raise his lil sister.
where the fuckkk have all the flowers gone??

2009-11-01T02:50:00.000+05:30

I see a woman in the night
With a baby in her hand
Under an old street light
Near a garbage can
Now she puts the kid away, and she's gone to get a hit
She hates her life, and what she's done to it
There's one more kid that will never go to school
Never get to fall in love, never get to be cool
- Niel Young

2009-10-20T23:14:00.000+05:30

Ive been fighting with this "I" for a long time... how much self obsessed we are with our I.
when we talk, we want them to listen. we hardly listen to them.
when we sit alone, we want someone to come n acknowledge our loneliness.
when someone ignores our I, we go crazy. It hurts.
thers a thin line between pride n ego... n ive been getting tangled, spotting that line for me.
its not a line, its some kinda hypothetical 3D curve, in our shapeless mind.
or is it a complicated confusion im makin for me to get tangled.. huhhh.
or do I like when someone thinks that I am a deep thinker, philosopher who can make himself a spiderweb of thoughts....
shit, its embarassing when I deliberately hurt my own shitty ego.

count, how many times Ive used this word I.
count, how many times u use ur I. out of those 60,000 thoughts, in a single day, rarely a thought is about something which is not related to this I.

I think,
I wish,
I don't,
I know,
I would,
I have,
I hate,
I want,
I like,
I am.

but its really good to clean our closet once in a while.
kill that ego, n fuck those ego boosters, life wll be much more colorful.
I need your "I". I want your "I". I cant live without your "I", even though Im always concerned with my I.
It will be a different world if everyone gives a chance to other's I,
"I guess"

2009-10-17T21:17:00.000+05:30

just took a walk through the streets. everybody is happy, at least for some time. kids playing with each other.. laughing.
a rich kid came with his father n bought a lot of crackers, n at the corner of that bent street, i saw another kid holdin hand of his mother, a widow with not much money, looking at that cracker's stall.
n then somethin took hold of my mind.
a boy in our college canteen.. merely of 12 years old. after loosing his father, he left school. came to mumbai from some village. Satyam, yes thats his name. when i talked to him last year, i somehow felt the deepness of his voice, lost innocence. it still drills me.
when i see firecrackers. im unable to see the light n sound they make, i always find myself thinkin bout the tiny hands that made them, n the smoke trail it leaves behind...

2009-10-04T00:54:00.000+05:30

Finally they released there ninth studio album.. I was waitin for it for a long time.
n now that ive heard his voice n lyrics, im feeling blessed.

A golden baritone full of emotions. thats all.

we are all confused. fuckin confused about each and everything.
its just a state of mind. its all a state of mind. silence or absence of sound. vaccum or nothing.
brain is jus another piece of shit. u c, the drive comes from the heart. they say u have to be practical.. n what do they mean? that uve gotta control that drive inside.
am i a human being or an animal first?
love, hatred, concern, anger, compassion, ego, sadness, jealousy, fear, peace, guilt, happiness..... list never ends.
like brownian motion. spins around ur head every second. the whole spectrum.
n we've gotta find a path. but to where?
am i still confused? or its just that i love to get confused? fuck.

"all the thoughts, you never see
You are always thinking,
brain is wide, brain is deep
are you sinking?"
-Eddie Vedder

a random loser's story

2009-09-24T17:31:00.000+05:30

someone's voice keeps on echoing in your mind throughout the day, her face seems so pretty even when shes crying n sad, u die for that caring touch. theres a smile on your face when u hang up the phone. you go to sleep but end up changing sides all night n ultimately sleep, hoping that she might meet in your dreams.

you miss her every day, each n every single moment, u kno, fragrance of her presence linger around u. you r high on the most addictive drug of this universe. high all the time.
only you know how it feels when u imagine her "being the sun in someone else's sky".
n then somehow curtain falls, wind comes n blows it all away.
the next day, u wake up n still cant believe that its all gone. she dont want to be there by your side.

u end up being a fuckin loser.

please dont call it "love". I really really hate that word.
its such a manipulated, misinterpreted and misunderstood word.

she is still there n u r still here. she smiles. she waves at you. u try to ignore.
but u still give a fake hollow smile.... n jus walk on.

oh yeah I forgot to mention, for a day, he'd like to roam, n stay inside her heart.. just want to c how she feel things. he wanna feel her side, he wanna see her thoughts taking shape. he wants to drill through her soul n make somethin out of it. maybe a reason from her side. for him to forget everything that still makes him die inside..
but we never forget the things n moments, which we dont want to remember.
such a beautifully sad irony it is.
its an art to live with pain.

2009-09-12T02:09:00.000+05:30

I just saw Kabuliwala.
I found, my eyes were red.

2009-08-17T01:54:00.001+05:30

he feels nothing these days. Just like Black, like absence of all other colors.
rusty cage of same old things around. release me

2009-07-16T16:32:00.000+05:30

There are times, some people visit our mind and heart for a very very short period...
but then rain stoppped n I lost that smell of wet soil.
And someday suddenly out of the blue moon they show up n say HI!!!..
Rain starts falling again but now tables have turned.. they are still the same n you are changed
u kno, changed so much... that u dont want to remember what u were.
that SHORT real PERIOD will always remain an untouched golden dream.
I will always miss THOSE rainy days.

2009-07-14T23:42:00.000+05:30

(Christopher McCandles)

Happiness only real when shared.

2009-06-12T02:49:00.000+05:30

Its 3 at night, i woke up suddenly. my brain is vibrating with blur eyes.
When you are so desperate for something, that you just cant sleep.

2009-06-09T12:12:00.000+05:30

Just dreamed of something really beautiful!!!
It was maybe 10 years ago i guess, mom woke me up n it was 7 o'clock. time to go to school!!!
rain was pouring outside. It is one of the most living moments, u kno, when u are in bed
and you can hear the sound of water, feel that cold air.
I had to wake up n did my adventures in bathroom.. making noises as if im vomiting, so that mom would let me bunk the school. but she was clever!!! huuhh
it was a stale trick of mine, which i used all over those 10 nice little years.
I never brushed the whole weekdays, n used to pour water on soap. as if ive bathed properly.
such a dirty n ugly innocent kid I was, back then.
going to school, that was one of the scariest thing I ever did.. thinkin how teacher's gonna get my ass busted out of the classroom for not doin homework n makin noise!!
those days when my parents allowed me to stay at home because of heavy rains, are the most
joyful memories.... I can never ever feel that again, shit..
I had this tiny fish tank, where there were my little fishy frnds swimmed n played. I spent most of my time wondering if I can ever talk to them, feeding them. I cried like maniac when they passed away..
Fuck, how innocent I was, I wanna go back.
theres this song by U2 where Bono sings
"What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?"
n now Im so called grown up and ready to face this shitty world, Ive lost that spirit, innocence and beauty, I hope someday someone might show me up the way again.
Day after tommorow is my last paper of 6th sem.. n now im here writing about the dream I jus had.

The Act of Protest

2009-06-08T10:49:00.000+05:30

He burned himself as a protest against suppression of Buddhism in South Vietnam
on a busy street.
Many Buddhist monks followed the energy of this burned body and ultimately they proved
their point.
The act was a result of profound coldness and did not emerged from a rushed anguished mind.

It was one of those history pages that made me delve, delve into darkness of human psyche.
RIP

Infinity

2009-06-06T01:10:00.001+05:30

When I first saw this hypothetical photo by Nat Geo, Time paused for me..
Who the fuck am I... were the only words echoing in my head.
nothings gonna change if I die.
all these years of our life, not even comparable with a glimpse of TIME.
concept of Infinity is light years away !!!!

2009-05-29T15:16:00.000+05:30

I dont really know, how to collect n write some experiences out of my mind.
at night when we go into darkness, I see light coming from some place.
World is not at bad as it seems, when you are all alone.
Blood, it
streams down my viens, when I experience the art...
when that child holds his fathers hand, in bycycle thief,
or when Eddie Vedder cries out.
some photos I see, makes me weak.
John Frusciante reaches that point of extremity.