my last engg exam up tmr.. was cherishing the memories of the past that has receded like a drifting cloud. drilling through the 4 years, i met some of the most wonderful n crazy creatures who held the common grounds with me. some of their statements, u c, got tattooed on my heart. it is astonishing, how deeply romantic n mysterious friendships i had. this very moment, its a bittersweet feeling of parting ways, u kno. all those laughs, looks, joy, arms, seashores, raindrops, trains, benches, tea n cigarettes, thoughts..... we shared. fuck i cant really think of anythin now, its like an avalanche of thoughts running down my heart. tomorrow, last engineering paper, at 2 pm, im gonna get outside the exam hall, jus gonna take a look at them n pass a smile.

a smile that holds thousands of unresolved tears n unspoken words.

so long.

recently, i got my hands on this book by Dr. Prakash Amte, about his life n the way he n his family worked in one of the most remote areas of Maharashtra, near Gadchiroli. was really moved by his love to educate those literal homosapiens who didnt know that clothes do exist.. hah.

n whats our take on it?

no, we cant do that. we are too weak to control our obsession with the earthly world. we want a black Mercedes, a high paying job, a grand house, frequent trips, imported vodkas, jockey boxers blah blah blah.. fuck.. its pretty contradictory to write this thing just after the last post of mine.. werent they selfless? im as confused as the baby cuckoo in the crow's nest.

long past in 4th sem, while i was sittin in some lecture, gazing outside, i remember, i was thinkin bout a documentary, which told stories of little children amid the chaos of war n conflicts. it was disturbing n it did pluck my string very harshly. this is what my pen delivered..

" When eyes go blur with salty water, everything just fades away

there used to be a smile on the face of an orphaned kid

father, died in bombings, mother was taken away by soldiers

and now,

under this big blue sky, alone at the edge of a dried river,

he is smiling.

he never shed a tear for his parents, u kno, he died inside.

there is nothing left to burn, but he still smiles.

but we, we can not know how it feels,

the echoes of screams n cries colliding inside head.

dried in river bank.

just like his smile.

and we are here, sitting in this shithole class, dreaming of a bright future."

while comin back from a medical store jus 2 hours before, some strange voice diverted my attention. a 30 somethin lady was holding a tree near a footpath n vomiting. maybe she was pregnant n might have came to doctor. i did notice her but passed her by as if nothin has happened, jus the way everyone was. i passed another street, but she lingered on my mind, the inactiveness of others n myself was pissing me off. i stopped, maybe an immediate uncontrollable signal from my brain ordered my muscles to freeze. i turned, hesitatingly walked to her n asked her for water. she was not even capable of sayin yes. she nodded. i bought a bottle from the same medical store, opened n gave her. she stood up weakly n washed her face n drunk that icy water. She wanted to thank me with her heart but she was too exhausted to say. she jus smiled. u kno, the truest smile u could ever get from someone. i replied with the same n came home.

it was not about helping others. not about making them smile. it was not about altruism or any other romantic notion of selfless act.

it was all about a selfish human being caring about his inner peace.

can i sleep with the disturbing thoughts of an alone woman vomiting at late hours?

with me leaving her helpless.

believe me, these small moments, they own you for eternity. i can still feel the intensity of her eyes when she looked up.

Melodic Passion

Man, youve given me so much to believe, for my own insanity. Ive been to those places in my head.

To,

My sweetest friend Brain,

Its been 21 years, Ive been with you. Sorry to say, but i cant take this badge anymore, i gotta leave now.

you and your crazy thoughts, you have always discarded my dreams as if it was a garbage. you always stopped me from being simple and forced me to pretend like a complex mystery to impress and attract unknown faces who are insignificant to me. the times i wanted to cry, u stopped me because everybody was there, it would have embarrassed you. the times i was happy, you were never contented. you have always been chasing something to fulfill your never-ending greed for respect and recognition from social circle. im sick of all this blaming and complaining.

I understand, we must be cunning, smart, intelligent enough to win the race, no one really cares who is the loser, no matter how good and noble he is. it is the winner, who gets glorified. now that im leaving, i wont be there to pull u down, you will be strong enough to be a winner, ull never break, ull never loose your confidence, ull never fear anything, ull never cry and most of all, you will never feel lonely. it was me, who caused those smallest tremors to turn into the biggest earthquakes. the more i ponder, u c, the monster inside, it grows huge. im confused, puzzled and estranged with this world.

Look what have u become? playing ego games, overpowering others, trying to pretend wise, plastic smiles and all that shit. i dont want to be a part of this whole system, where u say all this shit is necessary for us to survive. fuck it. when you are done with your chasings, break that circle, liberate your soul, look out for me. it might take you decades, you might be leading a dead old man with white beard and handful of trophies. ull find me free and isolated, gazing at the stars at night, under the moon on a distant island, where the ocean wont make any sound.

Ive got scars, one for every tear ive wasted. Im not meant to be here, kind of a social misfit i am. its a mad world, you are taking me to. leave my hand, I dont belong here. I fear the competition. I fear the people around.I fear myself.

nevermind me n my pissed off depressing ways.

Goodbye.

Only Yours,

Bloodstained Heart.

P.S. : wouldn't you miss me?