At Eternity's Gate


Came across this sketch by Vincent van Gogh, known as At Eternity's Gate or by it's more solemn alternative name Old Man in Sorrow. Such a poignant piece of simple artwork by one of those artists who had a long personal relationship with dejection and sadness. It was after his young death preceding years of mental illness and anxiety that his work reached the heights of glory he deserved and influenced range of artists.

Last time I picked up a pencil to use it for a purpose other than drawing triangles in geometry test was around ten years ago, guess I was in 7th! Probably it was during that Maharashtra board's "elementary" or "intermediate" drawing exam. Dont seem to remember exactly but I think I got a miserable C grade in that exam!

Somehow got so deeply moved by van Gogh's drawings that I was compelled to open the door of my drawer and find that untouched HB pencil hidden underneath a big pile of junk and a small notebook, both were freebies from one of the engineering exhibitions I attended ;) Googled a sketching tutorial (Great one! http://www.dueysdrawings.com/eye_tutorial.html) and spent more than two hours of cozy sunday evening fumbling my way through shades of gray and lack of my skills. But eventually it turned out to be a rewarding experience. time worth spent! beginner's luck I may say!



I wish I at least had a 2B pencil, maybe a dark charcoal one and a quality fine grained drawing paper. Graphite HB and blank side of the chequered notebook page were real pain to deal with! Anyway im gonna go to an art supply shop and get me some real nice shading pencils and a sketching guidebook!

The Old Man and The Sea

“Up the road, in his shack, the old man was sleeping again. He was still sleeping on his face and the boy was sitting by him watching him. The old man was dreaming about the lions.”

These were the last lines of a small book which I picked up from a shelf tagged as "Classics" in a book shop. It was a little boring and I was quite inattentive while reading, chiefly due to the simplistic and minimalistic writing style which conflicted with my expectation of highly sophisticated style, especially because of its abode in the "Classics" shelf. Nevertheless I was desperately looking forward to the story, amidst my contradictory yawns, waiting for the fate of that old man to unfold. He is a fisherman with white beard and deep wrinkles, dwelling in a Cuban coastal town whose worn out pants stink with fish. Who has been returning from the sea every single of the last 84 days without catching any fish. All the fishermen from his neighborhood laugh and make fun of him, call his boat the unluckiest one, except a boy. A small boy with whom he used to sail, whom he taught fishing since the boy was five. Who, now by the strict order of his parents has to fish with other 'lucky' fishermen. He brings him food, he talks to him. He takes care of the old man in a strange unspoken way, mending the blatancy of words.

Before dawn of the eighty fifth day, the boy helps him prepare and wishes him good luck. The old man unfastens his skiff from the rock and sets out, hoping to catch a big fish he has been looking for since the last eighty four days.

After three days and nights of sleepless sailing, far in the deep seas, on a starry night the old man returns.. returns with...

And in the next morning,
“Up the road, in his shack, the old man was sleeping again. He was still sleeping on his face and the boy was sitting by him watching him. The old man was dreaming about the lions.”
were the last lines of a small book which I picked up from a shelf.

What makes it so special? I am not good enough with words and articulation of my thoughts to put the reasons into an understandable clear prose, why did it hit me so much? For the old man, was that a heart wrenching defeat or the greatest victory in its own wonderful sense? is that really the most important question? or the question should be "did it make him loose all the hopes and give up? with his deep blue eyes, defeated? or was he so very at peace, dreaming of lions that he once saw on the African beaches when he was young?"

Its was a story told with simple words and with a simple ending, still and all, left behind an extraordinary impression and an unsettling feeling. I did put that small novel back in its place on the wooden shelf, with its bound side outside, vertically showing off "The Old Man and The Sea - Ernest Hemingway". Then looked at the tag "Classics" and found a slow smile spreading across my face.

EVIL


Give me two thousand years and I'll be getting people to wage the most destructive war against each other and kill mothers, fathers, babies, sister, brothers and last of their sperms in the name of the new God, in the name of my religion and in the name of the fake paradise I will offer them. At the same time gift them a foul illusion to save their faces under the hood of 'my crooked invention'. I will force them to invent weapons of mass destruction that will amputate their bodies, burn their skin, show them the real meaning of slow painful horrifying death that they want for others for disbelieving their faith and invigorate the absolute annihilation of their own spirit through manipulation of guilt and remorse, through hatred based on their deep belief on figments of my imagination - revelations by dreams and holy fucking angels, through implanting bigotry deep into their character, through constant recitation of mysterious cryptic chants essential to please my brainchild, through heinous rituals that will help them murder their reason and logic, through 'self-proclaimed sacred' philosophy that will make them the most depraved of wild pigs, through subconscious machinations, through infiltration of their brains with the idea of my might and sorcery, through conspiracy.. through a corrupt bloody conspiracy. I will be the Satan. I will throw a spell of black magic that they wont be able to escape if they abandon the immense power of their reason, mind and rationality.

My sweat will be the only water they will have to drink, my mercy will be their only blessing, my curse will be their whole notion of horror, terror will be the only feeling they will be left to feel, after a slightest denunciation of me and gratification of the greedy dark evil within me will be the essence of their existence. I will be the manifestation of the evilest devil, fuck I will be the devil himself in the name of their God.

This will be their punishment, for being imbecile piece of shit which believe with closed eyes, with closed ears, with a blocked brain suffering from self inflicted paralysis. without inquiring, thinking, asking, doubting. And I will laugh at their rotten choice of blind faith over reason and I will mock their gory crawling souls when they reach the gates of 'my heaven'.

Peace.

untitled I


There he was, leaning on a wall of a closed shop at the corner of the street on a cold December evening, waiting without a hint of waiting in his manner. In that medieval town, two street musicians on the other side of the pavement were playing poignant pieces of classical melodies with their worn out violin and guitar. The mellow vibrations from the hollow wooden instruments were melting into the evening afterglow, just like the snowflakes between the gaps of cobblestones on the street he was standing by, infusing the chill air with a touch of a fairytale dream. A group of friends, laughing, talking in circles, passed by indifferently as if the sole purpose of their passing-by was to complete his portrait. He was wondering solemnly, struggling to remember how she had smiled at him the first time they had met just for a few minutes. He was allowing himself the discomfort of a doubt whether she will even recognize his voice or not. And then, his musings stopped short as his attention was captivated by a distant silhouette figure walking with the most feminine of a grace in his direction. Under the sphere of glow from a yellow streetlamp, a nearby tree coated with a thin layer of sparkling snow was throwing shadows over her path. She was smiling, seeing him for the first time after several months. Her cheeks were reacting to that unusual mixture of feelings within her, of uncertainty, of sweet torture caused by the glance of a man she once met, leaning on the edge of a wall, waiting for her with a strange mysterious smile on his face, reflecting hers.

They were sitting on a cozy sofa in a downtown bar of that old town. The comfort of the dim warm yellow lights overhead and the tickling anxiety caused by the partial knowledge they had about their unspoken submission to each other's presence was igniting a fire of charming resonance. They were relishing the comfort, she had been sporadically sipping her tequila sunrise through the black straw, talking about her past, her childhood, smiling at her own cute silly musings, laughing, sharing her dreams, her anguish, her fears, her hopes and the utopian world within. He spoke little, revealing little pieces within his own radius of existence as if the pieces of his jigsaw puzzle were never to form a final image. This was him, as he always had been, without realizing his own abstruse ways. Hours went by as a flash of a second. For a long time he kept listening without a word, just listening intently, looking deep into the doors of her soul, watching her hairs fall down in curves intermittently on her cheeks and adoring the way she kept sliding them back with swiftness of her fragile fingers, glancing that faint beauty spot on the right half of her chin beneath the soft transparent glow of her skin, noticing the archaic pendant which was hanging down her neckline. The way she felt she could be understood in such a dimension by almost a stranger, the way she could open deepest of her heart to almost a stranger was hitherto unknown to her. Her consciousness was fully aware of the niceties of his gaze. All that she could do was to see the two abysses of their souls overlap, to let his silence guide her into his arcane world, to let her consciousness realize that his was the stare she was dying to be an object of, that such was the gaze her heart was craving all the time for. He slowly placed his hand over the back of her shoulder on the edge of the sofa, slightly touching a strand of her silky hairs. For him that was a sign of purest of his affection towards her aurora and for her that was the greatest reward, a reward for the tenderness and warmth she was unknowingly gifting him through her words and her silence. Right there, in that blow of spell, through the calm certainty on his face and through the adorable coy eyelashes of her, when their eyes collided, they realized: this was all the past, winding down spirally to this one single moment, the path they walked all those years was to converge here in this very moment, this had been the gist of their whole existence. They were trading silence through the eyes, they were trading secretive lines of enchanting pull they felt towards the other soul hiding behind those eyes. They kept staring deep into each other, moments passed without a trace of a single word or smile. Frozen, those seconds in between, it wasn't the time that passed, it was an eternity; for her and for him.

Finally, she felt a slow movement of her lips and heard a soft whisper in her own voice, "I think my face speaks." He remembered himself laughing at them when he heard them say, ' You never know, lightning could strike'. And now there he was; sitting so close to a woman an angel may choose to envy, that she could feel his passionate heartbeats, that he could feel the warmth of her intensifying breath, his fingers mingling with the ring of tiny black rose she was wearing, his hand feeling the lock of her smooth hairs on her shoulder; thunderstruck by the words from someone who granted him the most vulnerable of one's self. It was more of a command intertwined with a hint of surrender, her voice was firm, eyes intensely locked onto his but her thoughts, trembling, just as her wet lips. And he knew it.

He knew this was the most mesmerizing prelude he had ever allowed himself to experience. He knew that she has penetrated and reached to the deepest core of his person and hers too. He knew that she knew it too.
And they found themselves leaned in with closed eyes, feeling the gentle pressure of each other's moist lips..

The rest, as they say, is history.

Touch of Sorrow

some days ago, recommended a movie to a movie freak friend of mine, which in turn was recommended to me by another friend of mine like 2-3 years ago. it was "The bridges of Madison County".

this is wat he mailed me after he watched it
"And there were so many moments.. When he was standing in the rain, they look at each other. And she thinks that he didn't really want her coz he easily walks away. And the next minute she sees him clinging the locket she gave him on the mirror of his car.. Fuck man..  I was drowned in some unknown feeling.."



felt like a razorblade scratch on a beating heart. a soul hanging somewhere in limbo, fucked up, forever and lonely.

people come, people go.. we just have to walk on. without trembling, without looking back, without a touch of sorrow. just like eastwood in the madison county :)