woaah! been waiting for this day for months. to let that introvert take control. to let the demons override. suddenly the house of lies built, collapsed! let it burn to ashes. i dont wanna live in it. black metal, long hairs, tranquil seriousness, corner of the room! fuck man i miss you. where were you when i was going down, what happened to the songs.. bitchin around, talking negative about people, fucking up unnecessarily, wasted words, uncalled laughter, unwanted pride. faith in nature, peace, love, truth, human values are far more superior than all these false lies. let them do it, you dont have to participate, you dont have to go into this filthy shit. you are a lil confused boy, so be it, dont try to pretend. how can you forget Rudyard Kipling's IF. smile, dont let these so called 'good angels to survive' fuck up with you. be confused and be good. already those fucked up angels have put a lot of guilt. free.

there are times when 'even' buddha will be jealous of my peace! and there are times when 'even' buddha will look down on me with humiliation because of his hurt ego and say this is where you belong asshole!

all I need is

while(1)

{

peace() ;

}

but the fucking API provided by life has got hell lotta bugs! Expectations, money, love, sex, identity, pride, ego... shit.. rotten thoughts!

For a week now, nostalgia is hitting me, hitting me real hard.

At night, I close my eyes and try to sleep after a long tiring workout in gym but all i could feel is to be there, where the hurt is.

Sitting on the floor, on the same floor with square, old, ruff surfaced tiles, near an old woman, with her hand softly stroking my hairs. getting pampered like a 2 year old kid, with a sweet smell of her wrinkled, almost dead skin. Nothings there in this whole universe like sitting near her and feel the warmth of her loving touch. And I mean it, theres absolutely nothing like that.

From the kitchen, that same old familiar voice of an aging lady, asking me to bring bread and eggs for dinner. With me neglecting her each word. Never imagined, id miss the fragrance of the incense, she used for the evening prayers. Never thought id miss seeing her coming home at evening with two big plastic bags full of household things, a flower in her long beautiful hairs and a drop of a sweat on her forehead.

Deposited dust on the surface of the table, spider webs in the corner of the windows high up on the wall, hanging power cable behind the TV, two sheets of thermocol beneath the fish tank, piles of cluttered newspapers under the table, calendar clipped at the bottom to keep it from fluttering because of the eddied air blown by the brown ceiling fan, broken black speed regulator of that fan. Its all a part of me that I had to leave behind, but somehow, it still lives deep inside of me. deep down somewhere.

And I keep on trying real fucking hard not to think and feel and be there. But all that im left with is a tear drop to wipe. and I smile :-)

"You can be with somebody you like to be with

And just touch their cheek or hold their hand

And it's the most beautiful thing in the world

You don't need sex under LSD, because,

Because you're so satisfied with just holding hands,

That going for more than that isn't beautiful anymore."

(Not Beautiful Anymore from the album Up the Downstairs)

Porcupine Tree.

was just exploring the band's music. added all the songs of the album in the playlist, turned on the auto shutdown software and went to bed. Kept looking at the ceiling, thinking bout things and people. This lady from the song started to whisper. Couldn't stop smiling when she said "and just touch their cheeks and hold their hand". sweet!

Sunday 9th oct, Afternoon 1.24PM.

"Donno where im sitting. Some 4-5 kms away from my dorm room. Was feeling a little down n blue. so thought, lets fuck it up and go somewhere with bike, someplace ivent been to. cos you see ive experienced the chaos, when an empty mind meets a malfunctioning brain. and believe me its way too healthier and better to get engaged in some kinda stupid shit than to sit alone, think, smoke, fall into the deep dark abyss and get dumbfucked by the irony of reality and of our lives.

still the feeling of hollowness hasnt gone. anyway, so here i am, sitting on this wooden bench in a middle of nowhere. a jungle behind me with tall trees and no sound. but can somehow hear the sound of tyres scratching the road, running over 200kmph on one of the autobahns nearby. i wish i was in one of those cars going away, just for a while. its quite cold in here with this fast blowing wind but the beautiful thing is i can feel the october sunshine warming my numb fingertips. this is the first time, im loving the afternoon sun, really. but the wind is not as cold as my heart. i know im missing something. some friends. one fucker working on a computer some thousands of miles south-east and the other, must be chatting with his newly found love, some thousands of miles south-west from where im sitting.

i donno y, even though i know the pain, the ache and all the consequent fuck-ups, i keep on wanting it. i wish i could get rid of those fucking chemicals and hormones manipulating my straight and sober thoughts. i know the shitty feeling, i don wanna feel that again. "

well, this is where i went with my bycycle. sat there for an hour in warmth of the afternoon sun. felt really relieved. found this thing written on one of those last pages of my book. but shit, cant decipher now what exactly i was feeling, thinking and writing. hahha, im surprised how things change and how we forget what we felt immensely bad about and just move on with life. such a bitch.