Ive come to this conclusion about greatest of the artistic expressions. there is a strange relation  between some kind of crisis, be it personal or social or anything and the most touching piece of art.

im talkin bout those little horrifiying moments captured in a photo, the wails and turns in a song, hues and shades in a portrait, pages of a book which blurs the eyes, the things which gives you the hardest throat choke.

subconsciously we connect to those colors, words and struggling music notes. its the inner conflict, about our fears, insecurities, ignorance, helplessness, baggage of hurt ego scrambled with self destructive frustrations. over the years, the conflict makes us able to understand those beautiful artistic expressions. just like you have to train your ears for some genre of music like classical or jazz, your emotions and psychological being must be mature enough to resolve and enjoy the hidden expressions.

and thats the reason why i love the ache and sadness more than happiness, even if it kills slowly.

take a shot

a fake smile or a genuine tear.

if it was possible i would have traded my libido for another pair of ears and a multitasking brain from mother nature. i kno the two ecstasies are incomparable, physical and psychological. but at least i will be totally self dependent, if nature is ready for the tread-off.

my last engg exam up tmr.. was cherishing the memories of the past that has receded like a drifting cloud. drilling through the 4 years, i met some of the most wonderful n crazy creatures who held the common grounds with me. some of their statements, u c, got tattooed on my heart. it is astonishing, how deeply romantic n mysterious friendships i had. this very moment, its a bittersweet feeling of parting ways, u kno. all those laughs, looks, joy, arms, seashores, raindrops, trains, benches, tea n cigarettes, thoughts..... we shared. fuck i cant really think of anythin now, its like an avalanche of thoughts running down my heart. tomorrow, last engineering paper, at 2 pm, im gonna get outside the exam hall, jus gonna take a look at them n pass a smile.

a smile that holds thousands of unresolved tears n unspoken words.

so long.

recently, i got my hands on this book by Dr. Prakash Amte, about his life n the way he n his family worked in one of the most remote areas of Maharashtra, near Gadchiroli. was really moved by his love to educate those literal homosapiens who didnt know that clothes do exist.. hah.

n whats our take on it?

no, we cant do that. we are too weak to control our obsession with the earthly world. we want a black Mercedes, a high paying job, a grand house, frequent trips, imported vodkas, jockey boxers blah blah blah.. fuck.. its pretty contradictory to write this thing just after the last post of mine.. werent they selfless? im as confused as the baby cuckoo in the crow's nest.

long past in 4th sem, while i was sittin in some lecture, gazing outside, i remember, i was thinkin bout a documentary, which told stories of little children amid the chaos of war n conflicts. it was disturbing n it did pluck my string very harshly. this is what my pen delivered..

" When eyes go blur with salty water, everything just fades away

there used to be a smile on the face of an orphaned kid

father, died in bombings, mother was taken away by soldiers

and now,

under this big blue sky, alone at the edge of a dried river,

he is smiling.

he never shed a tear for his parents, u kno, he died inside.

there is nothing left to burn, but he still smiles.

but we, we can not know how it feels,

the echoes of screams n cries colliding inside head.

dried in river bank.

just like his smile.

and we are here, sitting in this shithole class, dreaming of a bright future."

while comin back from a medical store jus 2 hours before, some strange voice diverted my attention. a 30 somethin lady was holding a tree near a footpath n vomiting. maybe she was pregnant n might have came to doctor. i did notice her but passed her by as if nothin has happened, jus the way everyone was. i passed another street, but she lingered on my mind, the inactiveness of others n myself was pissing me off. i stopped, maybe an immediate uncontrollable signal from my brain ordered my muscles to freeze. i turned, hesitatingly walked to her n asked her for water. she was not even capable of sayin yes. she nodded. i bought a bottle from the same medical store, opened n gave her. she stood up weakly n washed her face n drunk that icy water. She wanted to thank me with her heart but she was too exhausted to say. she jus smiled. u kno, the truest smile u could ever get from someone. i replied with the same n came home.

it was not about helping others. not about making them smile. it was not about altruism or any other romantic notion of selfless act.

it was all about a selfish human being caring about his inner peace.

can i sleep with the disturbing thoughts of an alone woman vomiting at late hours?

with me leaving her helpless.

believe me, these small moments, they own you for eternity. i can still feel the intensity of her eyes when she looked up.

Melodic Passion

Man, youve given me so much to believe, for my own insanity. Ive been to those places in my head.