as calm n cold as beautiful autumn. listen to this record with your eyes closed
its like feeling the warmth of the sun rays, early in the misty mornings.
last night, was walkin down the road with a cousin of mine.. kind of a childhood friend. we ended up finding an ugly n poor old drunkard, sleepin on the road in front of a desi bar. my cousin said "half of them dont want to go home n half of them dont hav one to go!! "
such an artistic n poetic expression it was. n we left the scene. lately, i was trying to visualise that old man's life. he must have came from some far off village. debts, wife, children n makin home with a salary, which wont even buy a branded jeans for us. 30 years of life, spent travellin in packed trains of suburbs, in search of a better life.
long ago, he might have mistakenly travelled in the first class compartment. the looks from the white collared men must have raped his pride. for a day, he must have tried to look through the glass of a jewellery shop. he must have read a news bout a suicide of his farmer friend in village.

50 Rs in wallet, wasted life, nothing to live for, nothing to die for. what can we expect? all n all its no one's fault.

oh yes, there was a dog, who accompanied him.

Exam Syndromes (Plz dont read its crap)

7th sem exams goin on, n im saturated. every semester for a month, my brain is infected with some kinda crappy virus.

pre-paper night fantasies : the night before with a book in my hand, i was thinking bout the illusion I had about ocean n sky.
when i was a kid, i used to ask which of these is infinite, ocean or sky? as i grew up, n learned in geography, that sea is not infinite!!!! I was happy. i started to formulate a proof in "technical" words "why sky [my old school version of sky, where sky is what we see when we look above in an open ground, which is like a ceiling where earth is hanging and sun is revolving].
so i found a scientific method to prove i was wrong.
lets imagine we dig the floor, i literally imagined all the superhumans like batman, superman, spiderman helping me to dig the earth, so that we can reach that side... eg. if i start to dig the floor here in mumbai, i would end up peeping up somewhere in atlantic ocean between africa and south america. right?
lets assume, there is no water in atlantic. so we've successfully drilled the mother earth through its center. u stand near the hole n look down.
we can see the sky underneath our feet.. the only problem here is, if its night here, ull probably c light through that hole, n if its daytime, ull c the dark version of sky. hence we deciphered the illusion that sky is not like a ceiling, it is there far beneath the ground infact its nothing. its void. empty.
hence we can say its not infinity.
i was not on acid or something. really!!! its called engineering.
then i was bitten by an unfortunate mosquito. i murdered!!! im still confused bout Jainism!!!

post paper fantasy :
after confirming probability of my failing is near zero in that fucked up question paper, i walked out of the exam room before an hour. went to eat a sandwich. i jus took a seat without looking around. somehow i got to know, a girl was sittin next to me. i could know it coz of her sandals. u c, she got pissed n annoyed that she didnt get attention. so she tried to get noticed by tapping her sandals, observing her nailpaint, adjusting her hair, n u kno all those crappy but attractive things girls do to say "admit my beauty, u idiot" n there i was, trying to relax my fractured brain with some peace. there was maybe 15-20 cm distance between us.. since i was in technical trauma, i started calculating, how much time it will take to cover that space in between. so i anticipated methods, techniques, formulae n all to calculate the time. if shes like a rasputin version of female, it wouldnt take me 2 days , but if shes like an "Indian" girl, itll take me eternity. (given that i dont marry her).
but i failed.

n so, i concluded,
there are things, some too little to think about, some pretty big. which are not linear, nor time n space dependent, doesn't follow newton's rules (i should write "anybody" instead of newton, but the name "newton" gives me a feeling ), can not be proved, can not be locked in science, n are out of control of rational human understanding.

like music, tears, home, friends. like you n like me. unique but as ordinary as "the void sky".

News : Somali woman stoned for adultery

r u laughing again?c, im laughing here!!
somehow, I have lost sensitivity, i guess. im lucky, next time i wont feel like crying after seeing such things.

u are a girl. sorry, u are a girl turned into a fertile female, walkin on the edge of that exploding libido of urs. its perfectly normal. u r in a relationship with a straight male. u do all the things, the things that have been done by all kind of species... even those huge T-Rex dinosaurs used to do it. n now uve done it. somehow ur society knows about ur adventures.
ur wrapped in white cloth n buried half underneath the ground. looking at big rocks n stones coming your way from the hands of the people( probably from the hand of the ones who are socially acceptable fuckers, here "fuckers" literally means fuckers!!! im not abusing them.) seeing your skin getting crushed with blood. they make u feel ashamed of ur "sin". u c. u r dead, maybe with another "to be baby" in your stomach.

download and watch this video:

reminds me of that scene in khaled hosseini's "The Kite Runner".

reading constantly about such hyper-shittyhuman phenomenon and accepting the way it is, u can just say that u are fortunate, to have born in a relatively safe and free country. so before getting naughty with your partner next time, say "Mera Bharat Mahan" before sayin "I Love You".
shi, im gone crazy!!
Take a look. Do u feel anything?
I dont feel anything at all. im gone numb.

Dr. Mengele's "Project" at auschwitz

Vera Alexander was a Jewish inmate at Auschwitz who looked after 50 sets of Romani twins:
“I remember one set of twins in particular: Guido and Ina, aged about four. One day, Mengele took them away. When they returned, they were in a terrible state: they had been sewn together, back to back, like Siamese twins. Their wounds were infected and oozing pus. They screamed day and night. Then their parents – I remember the mother's name was Stella – managed to get some morphine and they killed the children in order to end their suffering.

Unit 731 of Japanese army

Vivisections were performed on prisoners after infecting them with various diseases. Scientists performed invasive surgery on prisoners, removing organs to study the effects of disease on the human body. These were conducted while the patients were alive because it was feared that the decomposition process would affect the results. infected and vivisected prisoners included men, women, children, and infants.

Vivisections were also performed on pregnant women, sometimes impregnated by doctors, and the fetus removed.

Prisoners had limbs amputated in order to study blood loss.

Those limbs that were removed were sometimes re-attached to the opposite sides of the body.

Some prisoners' limbs were frozen and amputated, while others had limbs frozen then thawed to study the effects of the resultant untreated gangrene and rotting.

Some prisoners had their stomachs surgically removed and the esophagus reattached to the intestines

Parts of the brain, lungs, liver, etc. were removed from some prisoners.

Read it all.. ive copied it from wikipedia.. maybe its just a trailor of what might have happened in the past.

if there is God, he is probably thinking of suicide.. hhahhh, what kind of creature he has created.. theres a gun in his hand(man-made!!), pointin towards his own neck, im damn sure bout this. anyway, I dont believe in god.

women were raped, chidrens were crushed, men were killed. women are being raped, childhood is getting crushed and men, they are still getting killed. is this the way it is.. are we supposed to accept it and try to make our own lives beautiful ???? 
by the way, what is in our hand ? jus c things happen around us, shut ur senses, try to forget n be a so called good social animal, wish happy birthdays, drink beers, watch movies, try to fall in love, think bout our future, find a way to make money, indulge in our own selves.

think about a Palestinian boy in a ghetto, barefoot, in cold, trying to raise his lil sister.
where the fuckkk have all the flowers gone??
I see a woman in the night
With a baby in her hand
Under an old street light
Near a garbage can
Now she puts the kid away, and she's gone to get a hit
She hates her life, and what she's done to it
There's one more kid that will never go to school
Never get to fall in love, never get to be cool
- Niel Young
Ive been fighting with this "I" for a long time... how much self obsessed we are with our I.
when we talk, we want them to listen. we hardly listen to them.
when we sit alone, we want someone to come n acknowledge our loneliness.
when someone ignores our I, we go crazy. It hurts.
thers a thin line between pride n ego... n ive been getting tangled, spotting that line for me.
its not a line, its some kinda hypothetical 3D curve, in our shapeless mind.
or is it a complicated confusion im makin for me to get tangled.. huhhh.
or do I like when someone thinks that I am a deep thinker, philosopher who can make himself a spiderweb of thoughts....
shit, its embarassing when I deliberately hurt my own shitty ego.

count, how many times Ive used this word I.
count, how many times u use ur I. out of those 60,000 thoughts, in a single day, rarely a thought is about something which is not related to this I.

I think,
I wish,
I don't,
I know,
I would,
I have,
I hate,
I want,
I like,
I am.

but its really good to clean our closet once in a while.
kill that ego, n fuck those ego boosters, life wll be much more colorful.
I need your "I". I want your "I". I cant live without your "I", even though Im always concerned with my I.
It will be a different world if everyone gives a chance to other's I,
"I guess"
just took a walk through the streets. everybody is happy, at least for some time. kids playing with each other.. laughing.
a rich kid came with his father n bought a lot of crackers, n at the corner of that bent street, i saw another kid holdin hand of his mother, a widow with not much money, looking at that cracker's stall.
n then somethin took hold of my mind.
a boy in our college canteen.. merely of 12 years old. after loosing his father, he left school. came to mumbai from some village. Satyam, yes thats his name. when i talked to him last year, i somehow felt the deepness of his voice, lost innocence. it still drills me.
when i see firecrackers. im unable to see the light n sound they make, i always find myself thinkin bout the tiny hands that made them, n the smoke trail it leaves behind...
Finally they released there ninth studio album.. I was waitin for it for a long time.
n now that ive heard his voice n lyrics, im feeling blessed.

A golden baritone full of emotions. thats all.

we are all confused. fuckin confused about each and everything.
its just a state of mind. its all a state of mind. silence or absence of sound. vaccum or nothing.
brain is jus another piece of shit. u c, the drive comes from the heart. they say u have to be practical.. n what do they mean? that uve gotta control that drive inside.
am i a human being or an animal first?
love, hatred, concern, anger, compassion, ego, sadness, jealousy, fear, peace, guilt, happiness..... list never ends.
like brownian motion. spins around ur head every second. the whole spectrum.
n we've gotta find a path. but to where?
am i still confused? or its just that i love to get confused? fuck.

"all the thoughts, you never see
You are always thinking,
brain is wide, brain is deep
are you sinking?"
-Eddie Vedder

a random loser's story

someone's voice keeps on echoing in your mind throughout the day, her face seems so pretty even when shes crying n sad, u die for that caring touch. theres a smile on your face when u hang up the phone. you go to sleep but end up changing sides all night n ultimately sleep, hoping that she might meet in your dreams.

you miss her every day, each n every single moment, u kno, fragrance of her presence linger around u. you r high on the most addictive drug of this universe. high all the time.
only you know how it feels when u imagine her "being the sun in someone else's sky".
n then somehow curtain falls, wind comes n blows it all away.
the next day, u wake up n still cant believe that its all gone. she dont want to be there by your side.

u end up being a fuckin loser.

please dont call it "love". I really really hate that word.
its such a manipulated, misinterpreted and misunderstood word.

she is still there n u r still here. she smiles. she waves at you. u try to ignore.
but u still give a fake hollow smile.... n jus walk on.

oh yeah I forgot to mention, for a day, he'd like to roam, n stay inside her heart.. just want to c how she feel things. he wanna feel her side, he wanna see her thoughts taking shape. he wants to drill through her soul n make somethin out of it. maybe a reason from her side. for him to forget everything that still makes him die inside..
but we never forget the things n moments, which we dont want to remember.
such a beautifully sad irony it is.
its an art to live with pain.
he feels nothing these days. Just like Black, like absence of all other colors.
rusty cage of same old things around. release me

There are times, some people visit our mind and heart for a very very short period...
but then rain stoppped n I lost that smell of wet soil.
And someday suddenly out of the blue moon they show up n say HI!!!..
Rain starts falling again but now tables have turned.. they are still the same n you are changed
u kno, changed so much... that u dont want to remember what u were.
that SHORT real PERIOD will always remain an untouched golden dream.
I will always miss THOSE rainy days.
Its 3 at night, i woke up suddenly. my brain is vibrating with blur eyes.
When you are so desperate for something, that you just cant sleep.
Just dreamed of something really beautiful!!!
It was maybe 10 years ago i guess, mom woke me up n it was 7 o'clock. time to go to school!!! rain was pouring outside. It is one of the most living moments, u kno, when u are in bed and you can hear the sound of water, feel that cold air. I had to wake up n did my adventures in bathroom.. making noises as if im vomiting, so that mom would let me bunk the school. but she was clever!!! huuhh! it was a stale trick of mine, which i used all over those 10 nice little years. I never brushed the whole weekdays, n used to pour water on soap. as if ive bathed properly. such a dirty n ugly innocent kid I was, back then. going to school, that was one of the scariest thing I ever did.. thinkin how teacher's gonna get my ass busted out of the classroom for not doin homework n makin noise!! those days when my parents allowed me to stay at home because of heavy rains, are the most joyful memories.... I can never ever feel that again, shit..
I had this tiny fish tank, where there were my little fishy frnds swimmed n played. I spent most of my time wondering if I can ever talk to them, feeding them. I cried like maniac when they passed away..
Fuck, how innocent I was, I wanna go back.

theres this song by U2 where Bono sings
"What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?"
n now Im so called grown up and ready to face this shitty world, Ive lost that spirit, innocence and beauty, I hope someday someone might show me up the way again.
Day after tommorow is my last paper of 6th sem.. n now im here writing about the dream I jus had.

The Act of Protest

He burned himself as a protest against suppression of Buddhism in South Vietnam on a busy street. Many Buddhist monks followed the energy of this burned body and ultimately they proved their point. The act was a result of profound coldness and did not emerged from a rushed anguished mind.

It was one of those history pages that made me delve, delve into darkness of human psyche.


When I first saw this hypothetical photo by Nat Geo, Time paused for me.. Who the fuck am I... were the only words echoing in my head. nothings gonna change if I die.
all these years of our life, not even comparable with a glimpse of TIME.
concept of Infinity is light years away !!!!
I dont really know, how to collect n write some experiences out of my mind. at night when we go into darkness, I see light coming from some place. World is not at bad as it seems, when you are all alone. Blood, it streams down my viens, when I experience the art...

when that child holds his fathers hand, in bycycle thief,
or when Eddie Vedder cries out.
some photos I see, makes me weak.
When John Frusciante reaches that point of extremity.